‘Grey Rock’ hasn’t seen much research. You’ll find plenty of YouTube content about it. It can be a great way to reduce the stress of dealing with someone you have to maintain a relationship with, but maybe don’t want to – a colleague, a coparent, a relative, a team mate…

The ‘grey rock’ is just a boring pebble. It’s featureless. Unremarkable. We pay it no attention. If we ourselves become a “grey rock” then we:

• stop sharing our news with this other person
• stop telling them how we’re feeling
• we don’t show any interest in their news or how they’re doing
• we become dull and uninteresting to them
• we don’t answer questions if we don’t need to for the ‘business’ we share
• stick to the plan: We’re professional, The “Parenting Plan”, The team’s objectives…

Why? To reduce our emotional stress. To give them less to use against us. To give us more space for the relationships and growth that do matter.

Cautions:

• Don’t be difficult. Don’t overdo it. Don’t be aggressive with it. You’re trying to reduce stress. It’s not a weapon to use against someone, but a tool to help you become more relaxed.
• Do expect the other person to notice, eventually. You might have to spell it out…  “no more kisses on text messages please”.
• Do think and talk to someone safe about how you worry you might be seen to be cold, or difficult in doing this. It’s new. What would colleagues or your shared children think? Be clear on the benefits and the risks.
• Many sources tell you not to tell the other person you’re doing ‘grey rock’, or why. Actually, it might help to explain, if they’ll get it. Just a thought.
• When you become less interesting, they might go elsewhere for drama, validation or entertainment… just make sure they’re still doing the basic ‘business’ things you had agreed to do together. Pass the ball, send the meeting invites, update the coparenting diary.

Some counsellors and therapists won’t be familiar with ‘grey rock’, and it isn’t in the research literature as yet, so learn about it, try to discuss it with someone safe who has experience, and if you’re in an abusive situation, do seek help if you can.

Angus