“It’s their stuff”: Projective Identification
Warning – once you’ve seen this setup, you can’t unsee it
Here’s a concept from the world of psychoanalysis* that makes a lot of sense, but takes some explaining. I’ll try to keep it in simple terms:
- We humans can affect each other, right?
- But that’s not always by just words, movement, sounds etc…
- So how else do I pick up on how you’re feeling?
- Maybe I’m getting your vibe subconsciously? Hmmm…
- Maybe you’re unknowingly subconsciously sending your vibes to my subconscious? “Projecting”. Really? It’s about to get more woo-woo…
- Maybe something you secretly don’t like about yourself and can’t face is getting sent over at the same time? Subconsciously. Like you’re offloading onto me… That makes you feel better…
- And maybe I’m then feeling rubbish as a result. Yikes!
- And maybe I’m even acting up because of it.
- And now maybe you’re blaming me for this acting up (when you just wired something you don’t like about yourself over to me).
- And now we’re in a dance where, well, someone’s feeling rubbish and someone else is feeling better about themselves.
- And no-one said a word.
When this was first explained to me (it took a couple of attempts, admittedly), it was like Neo seeing the Matrix for the first time.
Maybe you’ve just thought of a relationship that isn’t working and where you’re getting the feeling you’re the problem. Maybe the other person is seemingly practically perfect in every way. Maybe you are the problem. But maybe you’re not…
Projection, and projective identification is all around us.
Is this woo-woo? The real question is: is this actually fundamentally how humans socialise?
Some classic projective identification scenarios?
- Maybe I’m the jealous type in a relationship (for some reason I haven’t faced)? I don’t like that feeling. So, I’ll flirt outrageously and make you the jealous one – subconsciously (i.e. I don’t realise why I’m being flirtatious) . “Don’t be so jealous”, I’ll then innocently accuse you. I’ll feel more relaxed in myself and morally superior even. And you’ll be confused and trying to deny a feeling and behaviour that you’ve just had wired over subconsciously. You got the identity. Messy isn’t it?… Here’s another;
- I’m carrying a bag of anger because of something going on in my life that I’ve not dealt with, but I don’t know it. I drive my car a little aggressively, maybe tail-gaiting. You get angry and brake check me. You’re now the aggressive idiot! I’m now maybe even able to display anger justifiably at you, given your behaviour. Ever see someone blame someone else and wonder what else is going on in their own life that they’re avoiding? Or what happened to them that they’re supressing or repressing? What if the emotion they’re unconsciously trying to NOT have was so big they’d feared for their life… and today they subconsciously project that fear at you? Yikes! Powerful stuff.
Just think about this. Would a self-driving robot car ‘react’ to being tail-gated? How would I even know it’s a robot car I’m tail-gating and not a “stupid idiot” human? So what’s the difference? I’m still tail-gating because I’m carrying anger… but the robot is a computer so the robot indicates and pulls over. But if it were another human driver, they’d carry all sorts of emotional baggage and unhelpful subconscious programming and so I can project onto the other human and maybe get the reaction that serves me.
This goes on all the time. In the home. At work. Everywhere. Melanie Klein, in coining the term “projective identification” in the 1950s, really only seems to have put a name to a truth of human nature that’s always been there. Like Darwin ‘inventing’ evolution, it’s always been there (says science).
How do you spot and avoid being on either side of projective identification? Be aware of your own feelings. Know when you don’t feel quite right around another. Know when you feel uneasy around a particular person. Have a think about relationships you’re in and committed to. Be kind, maybe to yourself – no-one knows they’re doing this. Speak to a counsellor, therapist or other professional. They’re maybe even going to receive that “projective identification” second-hand, again subconsciously… what we call ‘transference’. Your therapist should be aware of this and maybe name it and help diffuse it. Walk away? Maybe now you won’t need to.
“It’s their stuff” ?
Angus
*I’m not a psychoanalyst or psychodynamic therapist, and this isn’t an exhaustive paper, just an intro. I use some of the over-400 different therapeutic methods in my integrative practice.